A valid start...

I don't think I have ever been this sad in my entire life. No idea how long it will take to get through but I hope it is sooner than later. Sucks being up at 3, on the couch, for no reason other than I want what is supposed to be so normal. I should stop reading magazines and books. It feels like I got suckered into this whole situation. Part of who I take pride in is someone who truly is that guy. Not only that guy, but "the" guy. The one everyone one in their right mind wants and desires. Tall, athletic, good natured, great listener, knows what he wants in life, and oh yeah, smart, articulate and relaxed. Apparently that's the wrong combination. Everything used to be so much better, and now that things are set the are being wrung dry. And so I am alone, in a very public mind. Mad at God and mad at her. Nice to say, still sucks because it will be this way tomorrow, and the next day, and the next month, and as she put it "probably for the rest of my life." Well there is a positive lifetime forecast. On my first cell phone I put a message on my birthday in 2016. Ten years from then I asked myself if "she" was still going to be around. (She is not) and if I would still have the same phone (Duh on that one) But still, this feels a lot like that message. I wonder if I am literally going to be this miserable in the next ten years. I will probably have adapted by then. The anger inside is from the raping of my ingrained optimism and idealism. I'd hate to be an old embittered man. But then again, that is why I get the sucker punched feeling.